Zombie Strippers!

Zombie Strippers!
2008. Rated R, 94 minutes (unrated DVD version).

Director: Jay Lee. Starring Jenna Jameson, Robert Englund, Shamron Moore, Roxy Saint.

The W Corporation, as in George W. Bush, develops a way to reanimate dead soldiers so they can continue fighting in the war. Of course, the test subject are uncontrollable zombies and have overrun the lab where they were created. A special forces unit is brought in to wipe them out. In the process, one of the soldiers is bitten by a zombie subsequently infecting him. Bada boom, bada bing he stumbles into the nearest underground strip joint. By the way, it's underground because all public nudity has been completely banned. Anyhoo, he infects Kat (Jameson), the star dancer. Zombie stripping, blood, guts and all manner of ridiculousness ensues. Long story short, how could you expect anything other than "so-bad-it's-awesome!" from a movie titled Zombie Strippers! and starring the world's most famous porn star in a "legit" role. Oh, a little FYI, she's had way too much plastic surgery done to her real face, nevermind the zombie makeup that was applied. To the movie's credit, it knows it's ridiculous but still fancies itself a sharp political satire in the tradition of George A. Romero's best work. Though its unquestionably ridiculous and certainly a satire, sharp is the absolute last thing I would call it. MY SCORE: -10/10

Twilight

Twilight
2008. Rated PG-13, 122 minutes.
Director: Catherine Hardwicke. Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Taylor Lautner.

Plot: Bella (Stewart) moves to Forks, Washington to live with her dad. At her new high school, she meets and falls in love with Edward (Pattinson) whom she discovers is a vampire.

The Good: It's a very stylish movie. The camera often seems to be next to a fog machine but it works. It works because all that slow-motion fog, the usually soft rain, the angst-stricken looks on the major characters' faces and the almost constant 6 AM lighting, more on that later, stress that this is a romance. Since it so diligently creates the atmosphere of a storybook romance it only has to do a few other things right to make it's target audience, teenage girls, fall in love with it. It does. The couple involved has to make a huge sacrifice to be together and face some sort of seemingly insurmountable challenge to their love. If they cannot overcome that obstacle, on of them must die with the other weeping at his/her side. If they do, then they must pledge their undying love for one another. I won't tell you which happens here, just know that Twilight covers it's bases.

The Bad: Now, about that lighting: this is probably the brightest vampire movie in history. Think about that, a vampire movie with only a few nighttime scenes. It uses the fact that cloudiness and rain are near constant in the area as an excuse. However, when there is sunlight it doesn't seem to be life-threatening to the vampires. Hmmm. This, among other things spits in the face of traditional vampire lore. However, the most grating factor is that our heroes both seem to be suffering from depression and share a fondness for whining. As a result, Edward might be the least sexy vampire to ever hit the screen. He's an introvert who lacks charm, basic confidence and who glares and snaps at everyone. He's the Anakin Skywalker of his species. This problem of assigning sexiness to unsexy characters is evident in Bella, as well. Instead of developing her properly, they just make everyone around her so lame she becomes the most popular and desirable girl in school about 30 seconds into her first day. They were actually waiting for her to get there. They even knew her background and were planning to do a front page feature on her in the school paper. I know I've been out of school for awhile but c'mon, really? As it pertains to Bella and Edward as a couple, the movie tries to have these two obviously cynical people both fall head over heels for one another instantly but other than the aforementioned shared deprssion and whining we've no idea why they would.

The Ugly: Am I the only one who thinks it incredibly stupid for a family of vampires to live in a house high up in the hills with huge floor-to-ceiling windows in nearly every room with no curtains?

Recommendation: It's not nearly as bad as most critics and adults who read the novel will tell you. However, it's not nearly as good as most teenage girls would have you believe. It certainly has it's flaws but it basically does what it sets out to, namely, make a ton of money and have young girls everywhere clamoring for the sequel.

The Opposite View: Prairie Miller, Newsblaze

What the Internet Says: 6.1/10 on imdb.com (4/19/09), 49% on rottentomatoes.com, 56/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 5.5/10

Let the Right One In

Let the Right One In AKA Lat den ratte komma in

2008. Rated R, 114 minutes.

Director: Tomas Alfredson. Starring Kare Hedebrant, Lina Leandersson, Per Ragnar, Henrik Dahl.

Plot: In a 1982 suburb of Stockholm, 12 year old bully-magnet Oskar (Hedebrant) befriends Eli (Leandersson), the mysterious girl who's moved into the apartment next to his. Her arrival in town coincides with a series of grisly murders in which the victims had the blood drained from their bodies.

The Good: It's a very unique vampire movie. In fact, it's more of a puppy-love movie featuring two 12 year olds. It just so happens that the girl is a vampire. That's the twist that makes it sizzle. A constant tension hangs over the film as we try to figure out whether she'll hurt or help him and for a while, whether he'll find out what she really is. It also uses her obvious power and his weakness to build metaphors and give Oskar a life-lesson. The pacing of the movie is deliberately slow, but doesn't drag. It draws you into this awkward yet budding romance. Don't worry though, it's not some sappy affair. We get a number of 30 Days of Night-esque attacks on the human-folk.

The Bad: At the beginning of the movie, Eli has an adult, presumably human guardian who actually commits the early murders and brings her the blood (not at all a spoiler). We never really learn the nature of their relationship (it's vaguely hinted at, once). Also, about midway through the movie something happens to him, or at least seems to. Despite the fact what we've seen suggests we should, we never see him again. That was bothersome for me. It's like they all of sudden forgot about him.

The Ugly: When our two lovebirds share their first kiss. When you see it, you'll say "Ewwww."

Recommendation: Though the main characters are both only 12 years old, well one is 12 and the other just appears to be (they do discuss this, by the way), this is not another vampire movie for teenage girls. This is for more mature fans of the genre who've seen plenty of them and are looking for a fresh take on the subject. Subtitleophobes can breathe easy. This is a Swedish film, but the DVD plays the English dubbed version by default.

The Opposite View: Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly

What the Internet Says: 8.2/10 on imdb.com (#192 all time as of 4/14/09), 97% on rottentomatoes.com, 82/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 9/10